Sometime...

Sometime I feel so alone. Like it's just me  and no one else around. Sometime I wonder why do I have to go through what I'm going through. In the mist of it all I always remind myself to never forget how far God has brought me from. Even though sometime life can be a lil bit overwhelming. I still chose to keep my eyes on the cross. And pray for the best to come. Sometime I ask myself often when will all of this be over? It seem like the moment that I tried to move one step forward the enemy always find a way to get to me. But eventually my story WILL change in the name of Jesus! 

Miss Visiting me on 1/22/2014

It has been really, really, really hard these past couple of months. Now I'm not the one to broadcast anything personal on here on the daily but this one I must. I just woke up and I remember seeing and feeling Miss in my dream last night... She came and visit me. I remember her wearing all white and me being afraid of her because I know that I was seeing her as a sprit, but she comforted me calling my name saying " Laila how are you" and I'm just staring at her telling her h...ow much I've missed her since she died in the house fire. I remember feeling tears drop falling down my eyes tremendously while I tell everything that I've been through. She stood there in all white and said that she already know and saw what I had been through. Now I'm convince that what the prophet told me that there is an angel out there watching over me is true. I remember I kept crying screaming telling her how alone I'm and how hard it's for me to handle every thing. I will never forget what Miss told me she said " stay in school and stay focused I'm here with you". The moment she told me this I remember every memories me and her had. Like her being the most wonderful mother figure I have ever had in my entire life. Especially how close we were I remember when I was little in Africa I was known to be her shadow everywhere she"ll go I'll always be behind her. When she used to finish cooking and divide everyone else food. me and her will always eat together from the pot that was our special thing. Like no one never understand or relate to me the way this woman did. Miss was all I knew, she raised me like her own. When she died, I couldn't eat or sleep over a MONTH! I had my 1st heart broken it feel like part of me had died along with her. By her visiting me in my dreams EVERYTHIME I feel depress and sad let me know that I'm not walking alone in this battle that I'm facing. God has a plane for me and I truly believe that I'll prosper in this life in a way that my story will be told throughout the world. I'm and always will be walking by faith and not by sight..

Missing Miss

Its like no matter how you explain it or how you say it, can't nothing help you to tell it like the way your heart feel. I remember coming home from summer school in my mom's car and hearing her just out of no where just said "Laila, Miss die, everyone die," I was shock, because I've never dealt with death this personal. So for it to happen just blew me away.  To be honest her death didn't hit me at 1st, because I didn't realize that, I'll no longer have her in my life, or talk to her face to face or that I'll never see her as long as I live. Life for me was complicated for me to grasp. I remember being afraid to sleep at night because I was afraid that I'll see her as a ghost and I wasn't ready for that. My appetite was gone, I no longer yarn for food, and no matter how hard I try to eat food wasn't no longer sweet in my mouth.  To be honest her death really was my 1st heart break that I'll never forget because of the feeling that it bought towards me. I remember our last conversation together I remember her saying that she was trying to get her husband to America so that they can live together in one big house and she was going to come get me so that I can live with her. I was very happy to hear about this beautiful plan. But unfortunately things didn't go as planned. I'll stop right here because this is too much to write down.

ONE DAY....

Just one day I'm going to be someone wife and mother. By God grace I'm going to graduate from college and have my P.H.D in psychology. I'm going to be a legend before I die. The world will know my story, my God, my struggle and my determination. I'm going to prove everyone that doubted me and have called me stupid wrong. With constant prayers and ambitious, I'll move mountains.  Just one step at a time and I'll soon be there to my destiny. All I have to do is keep on pushing because regardless what I'm going through.... My God will never forsaken me.

The 2nd of 2014!

I guess by me writing this on the 2nd day of the new year have something to do with my birthday which is the 2nd of February. I'm lost for words... I'm not even sure what words to say right now. But I'm going to try any way. I feel numb in a way that I'm just used to the pain the mistreatment, the bossing around, and not saying anything to anyone because not everyone will be able to understand what I'm trying to say. I don't know. I'm just by far over everything that is occurring around me. See I have this big beautiful picture in my mind of what I want to accomplish in the future despite what is going on around me. I keep telling myself that everything is going to be alright and that my life is not going to be like this forever. But the pain somehow interrupt and takes me away from concentrating on the bright side of my life. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to my childhood where I can lay my face on the soft skin of Cici Mary and just act like a baby around Miss. Unfortunately that's impossible because there Is no way I can reverse the clock and revisit those special moments. Often I catch myself sad just thinking about the good days especially on them cloudy days. But you know what they said at the end of every tunnels there's a light. I'm almost there... Because I can see a dim of light peeking through the walls. Glory be to God!