June 19th

So I met this handsome guy today at my job. He is a med student at Temple. I told him that I live near Temple and he said that he'll will be seeing me around. :) I also made him blush which was adorable to look at. His name was Matthew. I told him to come back and he said that he would. :) 

Sometimes...

I just want to die. I no longer feel the need to live no more. I'm tire of being toooo strong and holding everything on my own. I don't want to live like this more. I'm tire of living. I'm tire of the bad things and the suffering that I have to go through. I don't value life no more. I just want to be with Miss. Life without her is no longer the same. 

I want you..

To want me the way that I want you. I want you to be good to me and give me nothing but good love both spiritually and physically. I want you to respect me during my presence and my absence. Let anyone that try to get closer to you about me and how you feel about me. I want you to be on the same determation that I'm in so that we can be successful together. I want you to give me all of your attention but at the same time be a man and take charge of me. Let me know when I am wrong and put me in my place. 

Happy mother day Miss!

When I think of a mother my mind recall your name. Although you're not my bilogical mother, you still play a hug part in my entire life. I can NEVER find a love like yours and I don't want to b/c your love is priceless and irreplaceable. Unfortunately you're no longer alive but I believe that you're here with me in sprit. I'm going to do my best to make you proud b/c you deserved to see me at the top. I love you and will always cherish our  moments and memories. Always and forever. 

His face turn red!

Now I know who exactly my crush is. It funny how one action of someone can leave  a impact on someone. 

Let me remind myself...

I'm a queen not just a ordinary queen but a black one. I'm a threat to many and because of that it finally open up my eyes that they see something in me that I have not seen. I'm a strong young lady. I've dealt with a lot of battles. Won some and than lose some but at the end of it all I became stronger and wiser from it. I'm a child of God, not just any Gods but the God of Elijah. Because he's my father I'm built to be undefeated and forever cover by the blood of Jesus. I'm a book full of stories from my personal experiences and from others personal stories. There can never be another me no matter if I get duplicated. There's no women on this earth that can encounter what I've experienced and still be standing. No one! 

This year

I've learn a lot these months. I realized that I'm good at observing people and their ways. I can tell when someone is being phony or not. This year I have become more prayerful than I ever been before.

I've learn

I've learned through my personal experiences in life that you got to always pay attentions to people and their actions. When someone shows you their true color the 1st time you have to pay close attention and DONT ignore it. It's okay to help others but make sure that you are aware of who you're helping. Not everyone that advice you mean good towards you. You have the balance the high with the low. 

Dear God of Elijah

You already know what I'm about to say. I'm want to thank you for EVERYTHING! you have been there for me through it all. If I'm noting in this world I know that I'm something in your eyes. You know me! The real me. You knew what I was going to go through when you was creating me. Even though I get older every year and my body changes through every age I'm still a child of God. Sometime I'm ungrateful towards you. Do I mean it? No I'm just young and naive. But I want to thank you for still sticking around and watching over me. I could of been dead a long time ago. But each blessing mornings you give life into me. I honestly be thinking how can I still have a good heart after all that I been through? But than I think about Jesus and his kind heart that he had for everyone even those that did him wrong. I finally understand why I still have a good heart b/c my heart reflect the goodness of Jesus's heart. I've disappointed you too many time but still you show me your mercy. There were time when I even doubted you because I was foolishly walking my sight and not by faith. That's where I went wrong. I don't have the last saying about my life only you do. I have faith in you that you'll make a way for me. 

Crying in my dream....

I had a dream this morning. In it I was crying heavy. I remember the way that I cried was the same way that I cried the last time I dream of Miss appearing in my dream. In my dream I was seeing a guy who got adopted by these kind rich people. At first he took them for granted and didn't appreciated everything that they did for him until later on when he had goting older. He came to his sense and ending up doing good. Which made his people proud of him. Than I saw myself reflecting on all the good people that had help me throughout my life. I was sooo overwhelm that I starred crying like a new born tears were poring from my eyes like waterfall. I don't know exactly what this dream mean but I woke up and pray to God to cancel every bad dreams.

It get tiring...

Sometime I just be exhausted from everything that I encountered. Sometime it's the pain that remind me not to be too naive. I been through hell and back and I don't want to go there again. I'm tire of the same ol same ol. When will I get it together? I need God to protect me from the evil that is surrounding me. 

I want the best for myself

I just want to see myself advance. I don't want to be in the same spot that I was in when 3-4 months from now. I want to live a good life and have good vibes with good people in my life. I don't want to bag for nothing in life but for mercy from God. I've been through a lot and it's time for me to overcome. I can't be siting in one spot for the rest of my life. God has so much things to offer to me. I'm going to discipline myself and raise myself. I am all I got on this earth. 

March 1st 2015

So today I got my first of the month kiss from Chris and at the same time today is the same day that I moved into my very own apartment. The unpacking part was annoying because I have a lot of things. But thank God for ms.Thais for giving me a helping hand. This is a new chapter in my life. For the very first time in my entire life I'll be on my own and having my own space. I've never had a place I can call my own before so this is very new to me. I finally have somewhere I can call home. I don't have to worry about no drama because I have

my own space. 

Our first kiss 💋

So today around 12 on the last day of Februray Chris and I had our first kiss. It was awkward but in a cute way. We were lying down in the living room with the light turn off when he said "come here" I did what he said and he tried to kiss me but couldn't find my lips. Lol i was cracking up because of the fact that he couldn't find my lips. We both laughed at each other and give it another try. This time he managed to find it and planted a kiss on my lips. I remember how his lips felt. I remember him telling me that I don't know how to kiss. I remember the way he kissed my cheek. It felt like wet little fishes sucking on my toe. 

So yesterday night

I went over Chris's house last night and we talk and watched some movies. It felt weird being in a place that my aunt ex boyfriend used to live in. But the place sure does look good. I remember the way that Chris smelled. He smelled sooo good especially his breath. It was a good sign when a guy breath smells good. I lay on his lap and we talked about movies that we both liked. I was surprise to see him aware of the kind of movie I'm interested in. The weird thing about it was that he live in a house where his baby mom and mom along with his son live in. I was suprise. But the good thing is that they live in separate rooms. I double checked to. I don't know what this May end up to but I'm getting to know him and see where things take off from here. I'm trying to not rush anything and just let things fall into place like God want it to be. 

My thank you cards to...

KSo today I purchased four thank you cards to people that have helped me. I'm very proud of the person that I am becoming and it's all because of God. I know that sometime it's the little things that count and that everyone loves to be appreciated for the things that they have done to help others. Well this my token of appreciations to these four women that have helped me. 

We met again

So today I finally ran into this guy that I first met in 2013. It's was so funny because I saw him at Ross and in my mind I was like that face look familiar. And than he look at me and said that you  just going to look and not speak? He was like don't I know you from somewhere and I was like no. He said your face look familiar... Do you know some boy name Tito?! I was like "oooooh yeah... Chris! We both started cracking up. This was the same guy that had give me ride from a cookout that I attended in the summer of 2013. I remember siting in the back of his car and he and his friend Tito was cracking jokes. I laughed so hard that my stomach started to hurt. The weird thing was that when we exchanged number none of us were able to contact one another. I remember calling his number and hearing a female voice. I was like oooh no he got a girlfriend. It's funny that he told me that he called my number and couldn't get through me. He said that he saw me getting on the 108 going to the airport but wasn't to sure if that was me. And I remember clearly last week i saw him on my way to catch the bus. He stare at me and I stare at him. He'll turn back around and I'll trun back around until it was time for me to turn to another block. I don't know but I remember telling myself that if it's ment to be God will allowed us to cross each other path again. And now look at all of this. Maybe there is a reason why we God allowed us to meet one another again. But this time I'm going to give it to God. 

My Best Friend Casey!

She is the first white girl that I ever became close to. The way that she managed with the little that she have touch my heart. She is sweet and kind always speaking positive and praising God. I never knew that me and a whit girl can relate to soooo much. She remind me of myself. Her humbleness and sense of humor, the love that she have for God and Jesus. The fact that she's a giver and not selfish is a epitome of myself. I honestly love her and thank God for alloweding her to stay in my life. She is exactly what I need and deserved in a friendship. I don't mind getting old with her or having our kids growing up with each other. She is my better half. If I don't never get married I'll marry her. ❤️👯 

Growth

I'm very proud of myself. I'm making progress and I'm growing into a beautiful, strong, God fearing woman. I can't believe that I'm actually maturing and handling things so differently. God is 100% real because there is no way that I could of done all of this by myself. I want to let the world know how caring, forgiving God is especially to a sinner. I'm growing and changing each day learning new things, correcting my wrongs and owing up to my mistakes. I'm a living testimony that there's nothing God can't do. As long as I live I'm going to keep on worshiping God and glorify him. 

It now or never...

I'm going to act like there's no such thing as failure. I'm going to pretend that my problems are not that bad. 

I am going to beat the odds regardless...

If I tell you my story will you believe me? If I tell you the things that were done to me and the things that I've done will you still look at me the same? I've been through hell and back to the point the devil is sick of tire of seeing me. many time have I questioned God why me? Why my life got to be the way that it's? I feel like I am alone in this world even though I have God/Jesus and my support system with me... It still does not feel like I am surrounded by a crowd. Sometime I isolated myself from everyone and just keep to myself. I've changed eversince my Miss died. I've become a woman and through that process it has been a bittersweet ride. I've got my heart and back stabbed by people that I break my back for. I have seen friendship that I never thought that I would see come to end actually coming to a end. It hurt when you experienced some hard time with someone and defending someone that others say bad things about to turn around and fuck you over with no fuck given. I can't even fathom how much it hurt is like your heart is numb you don't know what to say and how to say it. But one thing that I can say and mean it is that I am tire if getting stabbed in the back. I am tire of breaking my back for the wrong people. I am ready for a break through. I am ready for change. A new location, a new look,attitude, and a new blessing.   

Disciplining myself.

It's not a easy process but i am doing it. It's hard raising your own self and not knowing where tomorrow will take you. But I have faith in God and I believe in Jesus. I find it interesting that for me I get to finally see others true colors after the damaged is done. I came to conclusion that not everyone that smile infront of me or advice me mean good to me. I have to take what I learn from my mistake and make the best out of what I have from the ashes. In life there are going to be people who you never expected to cross you cross you. You going to get hurt regardless what. It's just life. You can't let it define you or better yet break you. 

I can't stop thinking about him

Yesterday on feb 8th of 2015, I was on my way home when I look up from my phone and saw these bunch of guys staring at me this one guy particular had just walk out and he had said hi to me along with the other guys. I smiled and kept walking stop and look back to see if he was still there I saw him entering inside his car and drove off and all I could think of was like damn he's attrictive. If it's ment to be God would allowed it. So as I kept walking I saw him again! He had made a u turn and pull down his window and asked me my name and if I wanted a ride of course I said yes and went in. He drove me to my block and and he parked the car while we talk and got to know each other. It was so weird the way that he read me. Telling me that I was hurt and that I had trust issues. I was like how do you know all of these? He reply saying that he could tell. To be honest I don't even know. I just want to be happy and to make sure that my life is set before I go falling for someone. 

Feb 8th 2015

So tonight I met this guy. And the way that he read me completely scare the crap out of me. 

Looking forward...

I had enough! The lies, betray, this and that have had me down for some quite time now. BUT I bounce right back up like a worm. I feel a good change coming. I just need to buckel my seat belt and keep my eyes on the cross because my time is coming and I'm ready for it. 

February 2nd 2015! ❤️

So today is my birthday and I've received sooo much love from close love ones and friends. This is the same day that I realize that I'm single and that I was in the wrong relationship. Sometime you'll have to learn some lessons through pain and experience. You can't always depend on ever advice that comes your way. You have to decide rather or not if you going to take the advice or not. But at the end you'll eventually learn your lessons after all. 

A blessing...

It hurt to know that the one person that you were depending to atleast be the 1st to wish you a happy bday didn't make any attempt. You can bend break your back for someone but it does not guarantee that they'll return back the favor to you. But like my mother always said "every disappointment is a blessing". Well cheer to this blessing in disguise. The best is yet to come.  

I'm scare of the feeling that I'm feeling. I don't want to open up and get shut. I'm tire of being heart broken. For once in my life I just want and need someone that is going to be loyal to me. Someone that is going to be there for me. 

You're no good for me.

Im tire of sweeping your mistakes and brutal truth under the rug, I have to face the truth and face the fact that you're not good for me. It hurt but it will hurt even more if I allowed you to destroy me. I refuse for that to happen so I'm going to let you go. You're no good for me. You're a bad habit that I need to put a end to. This time I'm going to take my own advice and put myself first. 

The good bye to the Adam...

So today on January the 13th I let go of Adam out of my life. I could hear that he care in his voice even though he was angry. But I have to let him go so that I can be set free. How can I let someone that I have feeling for out of my life? Sometime in life you have to let things that you love go so that you can see what else is in store for you. At least now I can have a peace of mind and actually be at peace with myself and myself only. This time around I want to love Laila fully and get the chance to know my worth and to know how to not let my worth get taken advantage of. I want to be in a relationship with Laila and focus on the things that will help me grow spiritually and to better myself. I'm tire loving others  instead of loving myself. 

L.o.v.e.

Is the feeling that you give me that make me feel like a queen. You make me feel like I'm royal and for that I'm embarrassed about my past relationship. Is it love when everytime I see you I get butterflies in my stomach? What does it mean when I can't stop thinking about you and alway be fening you. I'm super scare b/c I don't want to get hurt again. 

Still hurting through the smile.

I really do be surprising myself. How can I   Look so happy when I'm going through a lot? My heart is so heavy and twisted. I really need to break through. 

It's time for me to love Laila

It's sad that I never took the time to actually love myself but instead I look for love in all the wrong places. Sometime I wonder why I never learn my lessons and why I keep on repeating the same ol mistake over and over again. It's time for me to stop giving and giving to others and start to help myself 1st and foremost. 

I have to get it right...

I can't be living life I used to... I don't want my life to make the wrong turn. I don't want to be used no more. I don't want to be fearful no more. I'm Laila a grown woman. I'm not that little girl no more I have grown up and experience some harsh things. I have been through hell and back and still standing. I'm going to be just fine at the end this I trust on The Lord to do for me. 

Adam...

I remember the 1st time we met. I remember exactly what you had on. I remember looking at you at the 1st time and thinking to myself hmmm he has a kind heart. You did things that no guy has ever done for me. You make me feel like a queen. You treat me so proper maybe that explain why I'm so stuck on you. I just wanted to give you the world just like you give me. I wanted you to feel special just like you made me feel. I wanted you to know that I care. But after what took place was done I really have to face the truth and analyze what I want to do with my life. I can't be living like this. 

Is like...

Is like I'm drifting slowly from everything. I believe that I'm too kind to people. No matter what I do or say I just can't seem to learn from the same mistake that I keep on repeating. This is the 2nd day of the New year and I still have this demon that I need to get away from. I feel ashame of myself mostly b/c of my past and the dumb decisions I make. Sometime I wonder how does God feel when he see me going back to my same mistake. I really need to repent. I believe that I need to revaluate my whole entire life. B/c I'm too much around the same negative energy. When will I learn is the question? I just never seem to get it right at all. But by God grace I will.